


The biggest shitpost I ever wrote

by Excalipur



Category: LazyTown, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Crack, Gen, Goddammit why am I even doing this shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 08:46:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15945851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Excalipur/pseuds/Excalipur
Summary: Sportacus needs to fight against his mortal enemy Robbie Rotten, whose new powers prove too strong even for the mighty hero to combat...





	The biggest shitpost I ever wrote

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to all the madlads in the comment section of this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GD9A8swxfo) who were waiting, in vain, for OP to deliver. Well, they didn't... but, for your amusement, I did. I regret every minute I spent on this shit, but hopefully you won't. Comment if you want a follow-up: I'm really busy in this period, but who knows: maybe I'll actually finish this train-wreck after all.
> 
> And it's been a lifetime since I watched both LazyTown and Jojo, so don't expect much from me, alright?

                It was a morning like any other in Lazy Town: the sun was shining brightly, the swift breeze gently moved the trees’ leaves, and local hero Sportacus was running from one side of the city to the other, searching from trouble. Earlier on he received a call from help through the crystal in his uniform, but nobody actually showed up to greet him when he descended from his flying transporter, the Skutla; in fact, he’d been running for quite a while now, and not one single person showed up even to say “hi”. Something fishy was certainly going on in the town that day, and he needed to hurry and find out.

                Soon, the absence of kids running around the streets, playing, or doing anything at all began to bug him. What happened to all of his friends, Ziggie, Trixie, Pixel, Stingy and the Mayor? What happened to Stephanie? As he neared the city hall, he’d found no answers to his questions and doubts.

                As the hero took a second to recover his breath from all that running, he heard a suspicious rumour coming from behind a pillar: “Whoever you are, show yourself!”, Sportacus shouted, already prepared for anything.

                A few loud, terrifying slow claps later, a magnificent face, with perfect white teeth, sinister eyes and black, old-fashion hair peeked from behind the pillar, coupled with a pair of hands that clenched the pillar’s marble so strongly it almost broke under their power: “Why, hello there, _blue elf_!”, the figure creepily said, “Fancy seeing you here, of all places. I honestly didn’t expect you to arrive so soon, Zeppeli Sportacus.”

                “Robbie!”, the agile hero shouted in anger as he stared at his mortal nemesis, “I knew this was all your fault… whatever this is!”

                “Yup, it’s all my fault as always! You got me again, Sportacus!”, the rotten man replied sarcastically as he came out of his hiding spot, wearing his usual purple and maroon two-piece suit, “Actually, that’s not the case: I didn’t do anything this time!”

                “Wait, what?”, the man in blue asked, confused but still ready for a confrontation, “What do you mean with ‘you didn’t do anything’?”

                “For starters, I don’t know what, exactly, you’re accusing me of… and I bet you don’t know, either!”, the villain exclaimed in a heartbeat, obviously hiding something, “And besides, there’s no-one around to ask either, so…”

                “You bastard! It’s your fault everyone disappeared, then!”, the furious hero boldly stated, pondering whether or not to extort a confession from his arch-enemy by force, “Show me where you hid them!”

                “Why, I don’t know what you’re talking about! What ‘proof’ do you have that I am somehow behind their disappearance?”, Robbie said while grinning like a child, “None, so begone from here! There are no troubles that you must fix, no sports that must be played, no ‘physical activities’ that must be done: that said, why don’t you turn around, and go back to that sorry-looking-“

                “Don’t listen to him, Sportacus!”, a female voice yelled from Sportacus’s right: from behind another pillar, the tired, pained face of Stephanie called out to him with what little strength she had left, grasping her stomach with one hand and the pillar with the other.

                “Stephanie!”, the blue-clad hero yelled as he ran to her at the speed of lightning, preoccupied for her physical state: she was visibly in pain, and could not even stand up, but there were no injuries on her body that could’ve caused this predicament. Was she suffering from an illness?

                “Oh, golly: you can still move? You really are full of energy, you little pink monster.”, the villain commented while massaging his chin with his hand.

                “It’s… it’s all his fault…”, she told him while gasping for air as if she was drowning, “He… he did this… to all of us…”

                Furious like never before, the energetic super-hero turned to face his adversary and shouted as loudly as his lungs would allow him “Robbie! What did you do to her!?”

                “What did I do? Oh, it’s quite simple, you sports-loving freak!”, the man replied as he spread his arms and looked upwards, as if basking in an invisible light, “I shared with her the joys of laziness! All the stress and pain of playing, of running, of _moving_ … I took them away from her! For once in her life, she’s feeling the beautiful thing that is… procrastinating!”

                “You bastard…!”, Sportacus yelled once more, “What did you do!? Answer me!”

                “Do you really want to know, blue elf?”, Robbie told him whilst widening his grin even more, “How about I just show you instead?”

                Sportacus felt movement right behind him, from where Stephanie was currently resting. He turned around, only to be greeted by a potent punch to the face that sent him flying backwards at speeds that rivalled his own, until his flight was halted by a solid wall that almost collapsed when the hero crashed into it.

                “See, Sportacus!? You’re not the only one who has superpowers anymore!”, the villain laughed maliciously as his nemesis climbed himself out of the wreckage caused by the impact: when the hero looked towards where Stephanie collapsed at just a second earlier, he was shocked to see a copy of Robbie Rotten himself, if only slightly different from the original, towering before her, still clenching the fist he’d used to sucker-punch the hero.

                “What the…?”, the hero muttered, confused, as he looked at the original Robbie, still standing in the middle of the plaza.

                “What, are you wondering if you’re seeing double? No, no… this is not a mere trick, nor a result of you hitting that wall, Sportacus!”, the villain explained as two more doubles of his appeared from behind him, seemingly out of nowhere, “This is my new power, my new _stand_ … NUMBER ONE!”

                “Your stand!?”, the blue-clad hero shouted, incredulous, in utter disgust at his arch-nemesis’ evil powers; that disgust, however, was nothing compared to what he felt when Rotten snapped his fingers, and the paralyzed bodies of all of his friends, including the Mayor and his own mother, appeared from behind the walls and pillars all around him, all of them accompanied by one of Robbie’s clones.

                “Indeed, NUMBER ONE is much stronger than anything you’ve faced so far, Sportacus.”, the villain explained, confident in his imminent victory, “It can generate clones of me that are much faster and stronger than you yourself are, and I can command them however I please! What’s more, just standing near my doubles is enough to make most people lose all desire to do anything at all, making them fall in a blissful state of total laziness that only makes my clones stronger!”

                “Impossible! There’s no way it’s so strong!”, the righteous hero shouted, but he was soon proven wrong when a pair of clones he hadn’t noticed earlier sneaked up behind him and blocked his arms behind his back, trapping him in place.

                “Oh, it’s much stronger than you can even imagine, Sportacus!”, Rotten exclaimed while laughing maniacally, in his mind having already won “Once you’re out of the picture, this town shall return to the way it always was! Quiet, peaceful, _lazy_! No more kids playing dumb sports while I’m watching TV! No more children running in the streets while I’m sleeping on a bench! Now, they shall all taste real laziness, and I will watch over them as their new king… no, as their new _god_ of laziness!”

                “You bastard… I’ll never let you achieve that! Your reign of terror ends today, monster!”, Sportacus yelled at him as he tried to get rid of the doubles pinning him down, in vain: his body needed more energy to fight back against Robbie’s clones, and without proper food intake he had no chance of fighting back.

                “Say, blue elf: aren’t you… hungry?”, the evil man sarcastically said, as if he could read in the super-hero’s mind: in a flash, in his right arm appeared a plate with a delicious-looking slice of cake on it, which the lazy villain had stored… somewhere, prior to their fight, “How about you try this dessert? I baked it with lots of love… and sugar. Lots, and lots of sugar…”

                “Is it…”, the moustached hero whispered, hopeful, “Is it… vegan?”

                “Wha… what? No, it’s not!”, the disgusted man replied as he grew closer and closer to the hero, “How are you even supposed to bake a cake without eggs? It’s like trying to relax on a bed without… a bed! But enough talk, blue elf! It’s time you ate your cake…”

                “Damn it… you bastard!”, Sportacus yelled as he looked at all of his friends, trying to fight back against NUMBER ONE’s influence, in vain, “You’ll never… you’ll never win against us!”

                “Oh, I just did, Sportacus!”, Robbie laughed as he extended his long arm forward, “And now, it’s time for your sugar break. And trust me, Sportacus: it’s the kind of flavour you can only taste in this life… once! Mwahahahaha… hahahahaha… HAHAHAHAHA!”

TO BE CONTINUED --->

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone has cool ideas for Sportacus' stand, feel free to share, because I have zero ideas whatsoever.


End file.
